Looking up..

Hark! There appears to be swathes of social immobility. Didn't you know? I just saw it on the news. And here I sat thinking my crushing despair and subsequent shattering of confidence was down to a change in the weather/Michael Jackson's death/body image issues. Oh no. It turns out that it really is all societal. I suppose that might ease my feelings inadequacy and guilt. Apart from the fact that it doesn't.

Ambition and a desire to progress do appear to be costing a great deal. Strain and stress. Punctured sleep and meals viewed in reverse. The mantra "Desperate times call for desperate measures.." no longer holding resonance.

I understand the competition. I truly do. But when I've nothing to offer than desire and a pledge that I will push myself beyond what I know my contemporaries will do its hard to know why it isn't enough.

Choking back tears during phonecalls that always spiral back to the well-trodden subject of money. "You know if I could help that I would love nothing more than to say 'Don't worry about it, Steph. Here is the money it is taken care of.' But you know I can't. I'm sorry." It tears the hearts of those around me apart. And only those closest know how deep it goes. The lengths gone to. The opportunities plundered and drawn up ultimately dry.

And all I can say is...

I'll be fucked if I'm going to give up!

Expensive academia and a glass ceiling will not deter me so easily. Wear me down, maybe. But it has it match met with me!

I may not have much, but it just means I've got less to lose.

David Bowie - Life On Mars [via YouSendIt for 7 days]