A REFLECTION ON LIFE

FROM AN OLD MAN

This is how I feel, that is how heavy it weighs on me. The hurtful actions, the frequent discrimination, the constant reminder by some people that I wasn’t good enough, that I didn’t measure up to their standards, to their language, to their expectations. I was different but not WASPH enough and that was sufficient reason to send me to the lower social cast, to deprive me of opportunities.

You say that I did quite well after all and that it all ended satisfactorily…I say: bullshit, I would much rather have had it easier, and the daggers on the wounds were very painful; and they tend to be lasting wounds, the kind you can’t heal; and when you say that; you are rubbing salt on them.

You might say: “Ah, put it behind you and count it as a learning experience” That would be acceptable if I wasn’t so old, I can’t very well start all over again and from the looks of things, now I am in the depths of poverty; not as a result of anything I did wrong but the fucking system that is a WELFARE STATE FOR THE RICH AND THE CORPORATIONS…a redistribution of wealth that hit me and many millions of Americans in the process of transferring that wealth.

So please don’t ask me to get over it and to forgive those who by either their racism or their greed did hurt me. Don’t even think about asking me to forgive Republicans, Evangelicals, White Supremacists and those fat cats in Wall Street that managed to take away my pension and my 401K so they could live in the lap of luxury.

And least of all, don’t come knocking at my door trying to proselytize and convert me to your religion…it won’t work because I am too smart to fall for that shit and because your religion is all fabricated and a big lie…you are seeking validation and my tithing…you see my house and you think affluent. Yet, even if I had any extra money you sure as hell ain’t gonna get any of it you fucking religious fanatics.

I really don’t have any other regrets and I am satisfied with the decisions I made. I would not have changed those and would do them over again. The things that have brought sorrow, pain and hurt in my life were not of my own doing and for those that were I accept full responsibility.

When I think of other human beings that have barely existed, that have had it worse than I and perished in some war ravaged country I am grateful. When I think that some of these people who died in the prime of their lives…from hunger or a preventable illness; some of them never made it past adolescence. I reflect and think that they didn’t even have a choice; they were totally ignorant of their predicament, were unable to contribute anything to society and certainly were totally incapable of leaving this world a little better place than they found it.

I try to put all of it in perspective…I think that some people actually welcome death. Either you are too old and just got tired of living; my mother is a good example of that…I see her daily and it is the weight of 95 years that is compressing her frail body, the efforts she has to make just to do simple things even though she is very healthy…wears no glasses, has all of her teeth and takes no medicines…or those who are too sick and in pain and wake up every morning cursing the fact that they are still alive; such was my father’s case after suffering from a painful, long and debilitating illness.

Whenever I hear Rush Limbaugh, Hannity, Beck or Cheney talk I think of scenes like these. I think that so much misery in this world is caused by their ideology. I am so pissed at people like them, at Republicans, conservatives, religious fanatics who don't want anything like this to change...

Yes, I think of these images and I curse them, I piss on their greed and I don't forgive, don't forget and will not be apologetic for my views, I am indignant over that child awaiting death and the vulture awaiting its meal while Cheney gets his obscene profits from wars and Rush goes to his Florida mansion and the fucking Mormons keep knocking at my door so they can get my tithing.

Mom

Of course I think that these "missionaries" could spend their time and energy a lot better...say as a volunteers in a hospice, an orphanage, a hospital; instead of trying to convert me so they can be powerful and rich and build ornate monuments to ignorance and superstition...those marble and gold churches and temples.

I am now reaching that milestone: 65 years old…MEDICARE, Social Security for sure, and I am tired. I am almost too tired some mornings to go out to the yard and work or to cook, or to clean house. I am now able to understand why some people just give up and crawl up and die.

PHOTO SOURCE: http://www.lightplanet.com/mormons/daily/missionary/mormon_missionary.jpg